Voldielocks and The Three Griffindors.
by Arcanine
Summary: Me and a friend...Insane...omnium-gatherum and gallimaufry!!! Harry and Co like vocabulary! Fairy Tale gone mad! Hilarious, chair-falling fun! ^_^ R&R!


We've been inspired! And that's not always a good thing....  
Introducing the Fairy Tale Gone Mad......  
  
VOLDIELOCKS AND THE THREE GRYFFINDORS!  
(Don't say you haven't been warned)  
  
Chapter One:  
In Which They All Display Great Vocabulary Skills.  
(Or: You All Get an A+ In English Class!)  
  
  
"Once upon a time, in a land not far from the seventy-fifth galaxy from Star Nine twenty-five times removed...also known as The Forbidden Forest...." began Hagrid.  
"Oooh! Oooh! Can we hear a muggle story?" asked little Ronny Weasley.  
"You dimwit, it's called a fairy tale!" said Hermione.  
"And it's all about me, right?" asked Harry the Egomaniac.  
"Oh shut up, Potter." said little Draccy Malfoy.  
"Mmph!" and "ARGH!" said little Crabbe and Goyle, having a pillow fight with rocks.  
They were all sleeping over at Hagrid's hut. (Note: IT'S A HUT! LET'S ALL GO TO PIZZA HUT!) Hagrid had gotten it into him that they were all like little kids who loved to hear really badly told stories, just like those idiot muggle children and their stupid stories with the idiot knights in that darn armor coming to kill the poor, defenseless dragons. Actually, some of the monsters in muggle tales, Hagrid thought, were actually killer BOVINES! COWS! THINGS THAT GO MOO AND WOOF! Well, that's a dog...and another story.  
"Little children...gather round the hearth fire! (Note: FIRE! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) This is a muggle tale by the name of Voldilocks and the Three Griffindors. Of course, they didn't know that it was really called that. It was called some stupid thing or other about rabid porrige-devouring bear-like creatures. And a stupid little pigtailed happy-happy goody-two-shoes girly-girl who liked to be happily skipiling down the woods to say 'hi!' to them. But for the sake of your little innocent, immpressionable and uneducated minds...let's just call it that." said Hagrid.  
"What? The first or second one?" asked little Hermione.  
"The first one." said Hagrid.  
"Just get on with the stupid thing, will you? We want to be able to sleep tonight!" said Draccy.  
"Mrmph!" "Grmblebmble!" said Crab and Girl, still attacking each other with rocks.  
"Ok, ok." said Hagrid.  
"And put ME in, Hagrid! ME! Not nobody else! ME! ME! AND ME!" demanded Harry.  
"Be quiet you nitwit!" yelled Hermione, using lots of fun vocabulary that nobody, including Hagrid, understood. (Note: Lots more where that came from!)  
"ANYWAY!" yelled Hagrid, "There once were three little Griffindor kiddies. They were innocent, impressionable and a bunch of really rotten, uneducated brats who thought the incredibly cool, handsome and all around smart gamekeeper was their friend. Of course, he was just doing it to get on Dumbledore's good side after he used his army of evil monster minions to nearly kill Sever...I meant, an evil person. Of course, I wasn't the gamekeeper. It was...well, enough about him. The three rotten brats from Griffindor-"  
"Ha." snorted Draccy, like a little bull.  
"Bulls should be locked up in too-small cages at the zoo!" exclaimed little Ronny.   
"No they shouldn't! They should become my minions of coolness!" said Harry.  
"Actually, they should be kept in nice, calm environments where they do not feel threatened by outside predators, such as humans, who will murder them or tie and take out knots in their tails. (Note: BULL BEANIE BABY TAILS SHOULD BE UN-KNOTTED IMMEDIATELY!) Then they must be fed and played with and such." said Hermione in an educated voice.  
"You ain't no darn perfesser." said Girl.  
"You ain't not spellin' an' sayin' yuur durn words rite, Girl." said Crab  
"Neither of you are, morons." Draccy-boy said.  
"All of you......LISTEN TO THE STORY!" bellowed Hagrid in a bellowing voice used by people who bellow at people who need to be bellowed at. (Note: Finger nails can hurt high-fivers. So can palms.)  
Immediately they all were quiet and Hagrid continued....(without the bellowing, this time...)  
"And so, these three evil Griffindor kids left school and went to live in the woods like centaurs. Except that they weren't as ugly. (Note: We don't have anything against centaurs! They're cool! *Proceed to fall off of chairs*) So these kids became dependent on small, ugly and dangerous woodland creatures for food, such as rabbits and mice and weasels."  
At this, little Draccy Malfoy complained "Hey! I like weasels and ferrets! They're cool! In fact, I was one! For a minute or two...and so what if I was the only one who could fly..."  
"Be quiet, you ignoramus." said Hermoninny. (Note: KRUMMMMFFFFFFFFffffffffffff...*high five* Crumble, crumble, KRUMF! *fall off chairs again*)  
"And so they were one day making some food. Some call it porridge. Others may know it by various names such as pasticcio, pastiche, patchwork, potpourri, rumble-bumble, salad, salmagundi, smorgasbord, stew. Thank you to our storie's sponsor, AOL's THESAURUS! Which, by the way, has no cinnamon!" said Hagrid enthusiastically.  
"MRMF!" "NEMPH!" protested Crab and Girl, who were busy attacking each other again.  
"I think they meant that you mean 'synonym'. Or me!" said Harry.  
"Oh, pipe down you little mongoose!" insulted Harry, imitating a certain person. (Note: *cough*brother*cough*)  
"HEY! I LIKE MONGOOSES!" yelled Malfoy.  
"I think you mean mongeese, you imbicile." suggested Hermoninny.  
"AHEM!" said Hagrid, clearing his throat. It could be heard all throughout the castle. Dumbledore SHRIEKED and made scared little baby noises as Moody yelled of 'CONSTANT VIGILANCE!' and attacked everyone who did not agree with his rather annoying opinions.  
(Note: Somebody's knocking on the cabin door. Who is it? *together* VOLDIELOCKS! *crack up laughing.)  
"I gotta go potty!" said little Draccy.  
"Well, there are plenty of trees outside, go pick one!" bellowed Hagrid, bellowing yet again in his special bellowy voice.  
"WAHHHH!" cried Girl, after getting struck on the head with a bush eating slug.  
"WAHHHH!" cried Crab, after getting whomped on the head by a whomping stapler.   
"PUT ME IN THE STORY!" screamed Harry at Hagrid in his imitation of the Bellowing Voice, but coming short a few hundred decibles. Which we think is a unit of sound. Either that or it's probably something having to do with bovine milk-and-cheese factories. Take your pick.  
"So these three Griffindors, Little Ronnicus, Little Herminicus and Little Hairicus Potticus, (*crashing into chairs again*) were making PICK YER FAVORITE WORD FOR THE DURN FOOD HERE! Out of some freshly gathered rabbits, killed with the VoldicusMaximus Brand 'AVADA KADEVRA' curse. Sounds like a muggle 'gymnaisy-thing', don't it?" continued Hagrid.  
"IT'S CALLED A GYMNASIUM, HAGRID, YOU UNEDUCATED MAN!" bellowed Hermoninny, bellowing a few decibles closer to Hagrid's Bellowing Voice. (*keeping their balance on the chairs and writing in messy writing* Lumps and Bumps in porridge ain't fun!)  
"Nice bellow. But I have The Voice. So just let me continue......" said Hagrid, not bellowing.   
"Anyway...they were getting the stew ready. Little Herminicus put the stuff on the table. She liked her FOOD at its normal temperature. Now, little picky Ronnicus....he was different..." Hagrid said and they were all whisked away into the land of the story....  
  
TO BE CONTINUED!  
  
WHY? BECAUSE WE LIKE LEAVING PEOPLE IN SUSPENSE! ^_^ 


End file.
